Courage is a lot like eating healthy – you know you should do it, but you never seem to be able to do it as consistently as you’d like. And you’re probably not doing it as often as you think.
Just like eating healthy, you may initially want to for external reasons. To be seen a certain way, or to be capable of doing certain things. And when you start building that nutritional base – or exercising that courage muscle – you realize a range of other benefits.
Also just like eating healthy, there’s a lot of advice for what you should and shouldn’t do. That’s fine, but I want to talk about what actually gets in the way – and how to spot opportunities to flex and strengthen that courage muscle.
For a long time, I thought I was courageous – because people told me so. I left home at 16, made ends meet, and rented my own home. I later left a stable job after almost 7 years to move overseas – in the middle of a recession. I’ve left unhealthy work environments without a full backup plan, and I’ve later methodically designed myself out of a role when it made the most sense for the organization. That last one led to me starting my own practice… less than two months before a global pandemic.
What I’ve come to realize is that a couple of these acts were fueled more by bravery than by courage – and in some cases, healthy doses of nativity. Other times, a stronger courage muscle would have reduced some of the injury I caused myself by sticking around too long – even if I ultimately made the jump. It’s because of this that I’ve studied this topic deeply over the last several years.
Bravery and courage are often used interchangeably, but they are fundamentally different. Bravery is more about acting without hesitation in the face of great fear or risk. It’s more instinctive, like jumping in a river to save someone. The risk is often not consciously considered, for better or worse.
Courage, on the other hand, involves acting despite fear or adversity. It’s knowing more of the risks – or simply knowing that there are more unknowns – and choosing to move forward no matter what feelings may try and hold you back.
Bravery requires no metaphorical muscles. Courage requires intentionally building a muscle. This is especially true as you get older and your roles or responsibilities expand. You become more aware of the risks – both because your brain changes, and because you have more experience. It often seems like there is more at stake than there is. And sometimes, the stakes really are much higher.
In leadership spaces, the talk about needing “courageous leadership” is ticking up. And it’s no wonder – some measures on the World Uncertainty Index have jumped to levels that are ~1.5x higher than those during 2020.
Uncertainty sparks fear – what you must move through to actually be courageous – but many adults never label fear that way. By the time we are adults, we have all kinds of sophisticated ways to show up looking like we’re not afraid. Some of those techniques are so good that we can’t even see the fear in ourselves.
Even when we’re not aware of the fear, it sparks a conflict response. And when we unknowingly act from that space, we don’t move forward courageously. We find ways to rationalize, redirect, or dodge the fear.
Karen Horney is well-known for identifying three coping strategies for dealing with conflict. Her model underpins many teachings on growth, conflict, and change.
Using her three categories, I’ve outlined a few of the most common things I notice when courage is missing at the top.
Toward: Compliance and Approval
- Doing what’s industry standard – because “best practice” is safe – instead of looking at what’s missing or what needs to be different
- Waiting for the whole leadership team to agree before you move forward – instead of sharpening decision criteria and direction
- Sacrificing bold or innovative ideas – because they require experimentation and trying for something that isn’t a sure bet
Against: Aggression and Control
- Reacting to competition – if “they” do something, all your actions focus on what “they” are doing – instead of focusing on your own direction and what you want to
- Denying reality – “that’s not happening” or “they are idiots” – vs. interrogating reality and identifying which parts might be true
- Asking for more – more data, more meetings, more demands, more sudden decisions – instead of more clarity, more choices, more transparency, and more accountability
Away: Detachment and Isolation
- Hyperactivity – doing everything, all at once, all the time – because then you never have to really think or feel deeply about it
- Fixing – if you can fix it, outsource it, or in some way pay for it to be “taken care of,” then you don’t have to be with it, wrestle with it, or risk feeling inadequate to handle it
- Wait and see – waiting for things to take care of themselves or settle down before you engage – even when there are no signs that will happen
Are there any in particular that you identify with most?
We tend to have a certain style (yes, there are many tests for that, some more sophisticated than others).
But we often show up differently depending on our relationship to the person or group, our overall level of stress, the situation itself, how much conflict we perceive externally, the amount of conflict we’re experiencing internally, and many other factors.
We also tend to be very invested in not seeing our most deeply entrenched patterns. We like to see ourselves a certain way! It makes us comfortable – after all, the way we have been has been useful to us up until now.
Courage means a willingness to look at the places we’d rather not see, to reflect on questions that don’t always have easy answers, and to feel what we’d rather not feel – so that we can take more productive, decisive, and bold action.
When we don’t do this, we can fall into a life of “quiet desperation.” Or we resort to heroics and bravery – which can be useful when someone has actually fallen in a river, but not always the best and most measured course of action.
If bravery is falling in love (especially young love), courage is staying in love. It’s having the commitment and conviction to build the muscles, behaviors, and patterns you want to sustain you long term.
If you want to build courage, start small. Like a muscle, focus your awareness on the one area you want to improve, and consistently try to complete the motion or action differently. First in one context, then across different contexts.
No bold declarations needed – at least not today. Just consistent small efforts across time, so that over time, you’re ready to be bold when it counts.